Did I Let You Know?
by Blue.Fox91
Summary: Abarai Renji is a new addition to the Sereitei Asylum. His life is surely over. Until he meets wounded psychiatrist Kuchiki Byakuya, where he finds refuge from ridicule, mental disorder, and pain. Slowly he is able to rebuild himself, but not without obstacles. It is yaoi. Don't like? Don't read! Rated M for a few mature themes, gore and language.
1. Chapter 1

I could have sworn that I didn't need to be there. In that place. I wasn't supposed to be there, and yet I was. Sereitei Asylum. Among the insane, the crazy, the mad people of society. The psychologist had diagnosed me as "Borderline" which meant that I:

A. Was stuck there until I showed noticeable signs of improvement

B. Was officially labeled insane for the rest of my existence

C. I was doomed to be forever alone

I had been given a quaint room which I shared with a bald young man with a horrible temper called Ikkaku, and a small white haired child who had reserved himself to silence called Hitsugaya. I took one corner of the room, and we mostly kept to ourselves, preferring our own haunting thoughts to the company of someone just as insane, if not more, than ourselves.

I recognized that if it had not been for my outburst, I wouldn't have been in my current situation. I spent countless nights staring at the leak stained ceiling, wishing I had reconsidered… maybe, maybe if I hadn't reacted as I did I would be free…

I woke up every morning, not recognizing where I was. I had nightmares every night, so as to avoid them, I stayed up until I was too tired to even dream. That meant only two hours of sleep every night, but it was a sacrifice worth making to avoid dreaming of the past. Of the truth that happened so long ago and yet felt so recent.

My shrink was called Aizen. He lived in a small cottage on the outskirts of the asylum complex, and only came into the main part of the conference to interact and talk to his patients. I was one of his patients, as well as a feminine, pompous man called Yumichika. He was proud, and had been brought into the asylum for narcissistic personality disorder. The mental disorder was not necessarily the reason why he was there; I later found out that he tried to kill his family for not being as beautiful as he was. They only visited him twice, and then stopped once he made it clear that they "were too ugly to be in his presence". He now spoke to Aizen, not because he wanted to be cured, but because Aizen was the only person Yumichika thought worthy enough for the beauty to grace with his existence.

Hitsugaya was another of his patients, who spent hours simply staring at Aizen; and Aizen simply stared back. No one really knew what he was in the asylum for, since Hitsugaya never spoke. He had a slight frame and icy blue eyes, which he stared intently with, but never gave anything away. His emotions were non-existent. People speculated what he was in for. Murder? Attempted murder? Attempted suicide? Animal cruelty? That was what most of us were in for, apparently you were only declared mad once you tried to kill something.

However, there was Rangiku who made me realize that it could simply be from outbursts; I had seen her, three times a week going to get pills for her bipolar disorder by Isane, the residential nurse who helped Dr. Unohana with the patients. Rangiku was loud and insane when she wanted to be, but when she fell into depression, her wailing could be heard from all around the asylum complex. She had her own room, as did all the "volatile" patients.

It was during leisure time in the courtyard did I discover more about the patients at the asylum. I befriended a patient called Izuru Kira, and subsequently his previous friend, Hinamori, and together we spent leisure time, observing the other patients. Kira suffered from severe depression, and Hinamori I never knew. The most I knew was of her obsession with therapist Aizen.

One afternoon, across the yard, I could see Gin and Hatsumomo, presumably arguing as they usually did. Gin stood up from the argument and smiled at me. A cruel little smirk, as he walked towards the mezzanine.

Here's the thing about the mezzanine; it was a no go zone. No one knew who resided there, but no one went there. This rule had already existed before I had joined the asylum, and I never knew why there was this rule, but it was in place. Gin's confident movements let me know that he had no care for rules. _Sick bastard, _I thought spitefully. There was something off about that guy.

Suddenly there was commotion across the yard, where a fight had developed between Zaraki and a blind, and PTSD patient called Tousen. The brawl went on for several minutes before it ended with Zaraki severely punching Tousen, enough so that he passed out.

The assistant nurses ran to the fight and held Zaraki down, in a strait jacket. He did not rebel nor put a fight, and calmly let the assistants drag him away.

"Well… isn't that strange" Kira said sadly.

Tousen was carried off by the paramedics, with Isane at his side, inspecting his wounds as he was dragged off. It was cold now, and a few droplets of rain began to fall. I stood up and followed Hinamori and Kira back into the building. I suddenly realized the time, and excused myself as the other patients began describing the nature of the fight.

"Holy shit, what is wrong with Tousen? That man is as stupid as he is blind"

"Fucking psychotic fuck, attacking Zaraki Kenpachi? Really? Is he really that mad?"

It was raining heavily that autumn, and I walked through the asylum halls, listening to the song of the asylum. Loud screams of pain, inflicted upon the victim by their own brains, betrayed by their twisted minds. Rangiku had spent the night crying, and was now in Dr. Unohana's office discussing an adjustment in her medication. Isane had told me that Aizen had caused her to have a flash back, and Ichimaru Gin had only intensified Hatsumomo's reaction to the memory.

I walked cautiously to Aizen's office. After what I had heard about Rangiku that day and the fight with Zaraki and Tousen, I could sense that something was amiss in the asylum. I knocked gently on his office door, and heard the usual irritated grunt, as well as two other grunts, one delighted, the other contemplative. I opened the door and found Ichimaru lying down on the chaise long I usually dominated, with the blind Tousen beside the window. Aizen was at his desk, with his hands under his chin.

"Ah, Tousen, weren't you mushed by Zaraki?" I asked absent mindedly. What the fu…

"Pleased to meet you, Renji" Gin grinned, and pounced on me, holding me down while Aizen, with one swift motion, set a bottle of vodka on fire. Molotov cocktail. My skin crawled at the sight and I shouted, however, Gin, Aizen and Tousen had already escaped. With one swift motion, Aizen tossed the bottle into a nearby store room, and the fire blazed through the hall. He had already left before the flame reached the end of the corridor. I felt the lick of the flames on my back, and yelled in pain.

There was commotion all around me, but I passed out before I could realize what was going on. From all the pain, I found solace in the darkness.

It had been 5 weeks at the asylum. I had finally developed a daily routing; wake up, eat, read, eat, leisure, eat, sleep. This went on for days on end; the only thing to break the monotony was the arrival of _him_. In my travels in India as a kid, there was a word for an attractive new man: Kukkad. That is what appeared that day, during sport. We all stopped our game to stare at him with gaping holes for mouths. I suddenly had the insatiable urge to fall to my knees and worship this man. He walked strong and tall, with purpose enough for all the humans in existence. His grey eyes were cold, staring emptily across the field as he passed by. His hair fell in long, silky strings of ebony that graced his shoulders and framed his sculptured, angular face. As he passed, I caught the scent of cherry blossoms, and though it was early winter, I could smell the lovely perfume of a warm spring day among the sakura in Japan. He was… exquisite.

Later at dinner, he arrived again, escorted by one of the resident shrinks, Ukitake. The white haired kind man had been therapist to Ikkaku; with improvement, Ikkaku's outbursts became less frequent, however no less violent. I barely noticed him though; I had my eyes focused on the graceful creature by his side. I stared at him, hoping to absorb as much of him as I possibly could. For a moment, he turned his head and stared back, and I turned away, blushing slightly.

"Good evening to you all, I am here to announce the arrival of our new residential therapist, after the departure of Aizen. This is Kuchiki Byakuya, who will be taking over for Aizen's old patients. Please make him feel welcome" Ukitake smiled warmly and exited, tailed by Byakuya, who simple nodded to the assembly and departed, but not before we made eye contact once more. I blushed again,

"The fuck are you blushing about?" Ikkaku asked rudely through his mashed potatoes. I threw my plastic spoon at him and retorted, "None of you f-ing business, a-hole!"

The next day we found out that Byakuya was going to take over as Yumichika, Hitsugaya, Rangiku and my therapist. We would each have an hour with him every day, and extra time if needed. We all knew; you don't ask for extra time, ever. It was an unwritten rule, an unspoken agreement between patient and therapist, that you never took extra time. Extra time meant that you would actually be talking to the therapist. Only the extreme nutcases stayed in for extra time, which is why to avoid social discrimination, no one took extra time.

We stood in a line, and Byakuya examined us skeptically, reading our thoughts, I guessed. He took his time inspecting us, and when it was finally my turn to be scrutinized, he held my chin and tilted my head so I could look into his eyes. His icy eyes investigated and probed me, and like that, he let go and walked away.

"I will be seeing you each later today. An hour each, unless you really need, the extra time" he said, the last bit sounding like an inside joke. We were all familiar with the joke, but it was devastating rather than funny. He dismissed us, and we scattered, me going towards the lake side. I was the only place anyone could think in this asylum, however there was a tall electric fence surrounding the lake. Apparently, a patient tried to drown in the lake, so their barred it off. I however still took pleasure in the calm water that was sometimes disturbed by mandarin ducks or dragonflies that settled gracefully upon the water taught surface.

"Hey there" a small voice said from behind me. I tilted my head to the right to see a small black haired girl in a yellow summer dress stare down at me. It was late autumn, and she looked strange, out of place, with a smile and yellow dress. She seemed like an alien concept, something I would never understand, and yet so desperately wanted to. I smiled back slightly and said, "Please, join me" I tapped the damp dirt beside me.

She sat gracefully beside me and was quick to introduce herself, "Kuchiki Rukia" she offered her hand. I took her small palm into mine and frowned, "he has a wife?"

She giggled, a happy little sound, "No, sister! My sister had been his wife; however she died so he adopted me as his sister"

I was surprised by the sudden chunk of information and said, "Sorry about your sister. I have no family if that makes you feel better"

"No it doesn't, but thanks anyway" she shrugged. We sat quietly as a mandarin duck walked towards the fence and was suddenly electrocuted. Both Rukia and I laughed.

"What's your name?" she asked between peals of laughter.

"Renji, Abarai Renji" I laughed, wiping away a tear. She smiled again and got up suddenly, this time not as graceful; "See you some other time Renji, I live here now, so that other time will be soon, bye" and she ran off suddenly.

I stood up, stretched and checked the time. Three hours until my first appointment with Kuchiki Byakuya.

_Byakuya settled into his new office and frowned deeply. It was so indescribably inadequate; he had to close his eyes just to stop from having an outburst of anger. He bit his lower lip. There was nothing for him and Rukia anymore, this asylum was his last resort, before he found himself having to give her up and moving into a homeless center. After his refusal to re-marry, his noble family had exiled him, refusing him or Rukia any wealth, any money to sustain some sort of lifestyle. But he didn't let that get him down._

_He straightened up and coughed. He was going to prove himself, not break down the way they said he would. With a timid knock on the door, he quickly picked himself up and said, "Yes Renji, please come in"_

I stepped in carefully into the Minotaur's layer. He sat at his desk with a blank expression. I approached and sat on the chaise longue, as I always did with Aizen. It had not been discovered what had happened with Aizen, Gin and Tousen, to explain what they had done. My burns had healed, but it was still painful to lie down on my back. Nights were uncomfortable, cleaning and dressing the wounds unbearably painful, but still, it was better my back than anywhere else.

"Good afternoon" he greeted formally, not a hint of emotion on his stoic features. His forehead glistened with sweat, and he looked slightly disheveled, but the rest of his features betrayed nothing.

"Hey" I said shortly and lay down on the couch. I felt the other man stare at me so I turned to stare back, "Are we going to get over and done with this or not?"

"To be honest with you, I don't know. Will this ever be over? Will your mental disorder ever be over? Says here you are borderline. The only mental disorder that actually has physical proof of its existence. Shows up on CAT scans. Mental disorder is incurable, you know that right?" he asked boldly, unsure of how I might have replied. I wasn't sure how I'd reply. Everyone walked around my disorder; no one ever confronted me with it before. It kind of pissed me off…

"So what the fuck am I doing here? What's the point of even talking to you, or this asylum, or life in general?" I snapped

"Is that why you attempted suicide, because you didn't see the point in living?" Byakuya asked, his eyes shining slightly with a glimmer of self-confidence. He knew exactly what he was doing.

"That… that was…" I had no explanation for what I done. I refused to think about it, because it would only destroy me. I closed my eyes and re-opened them to stare at Byakuya.

"I understand," he said, "That's why you are here, so we can deal with that and move in with our lives, no matter how badly we want to end them"

We spent the next hour talking about redundant things. My favorite color, favorite food, and music I listened to, friends, hobbies. Simple, social formalities. At the end of the hour, we had gone through all the easy stuff, I knew tomorrow would not be as easy.

I stood up to leave and as I did I heard him say, "Just because mental disorder is incurable, does not mean it's not manageable. I'm here to help you manage, this asylum was made so I could access you, and the point of life is to make at least one person come to your funeral,"

I turned slightly and smiled at him, though his face remained neutral, his eyes softened slightly. That must have been his form of a smile.


	2. Chapter 2

"What is_ Ishq_ love?" Hinamori asked me the next day. We were sitting in the courtyard, with our backs to the other patients in the asylum. Kira could not join us, as he had another medicine change that did not help him. This called for him to go see Dr. Unohana, to see if another adjustment could be made.

"It means romantic love" Soi Fon replied curtly. Soi had spent 2 years that asylum for obsessive behavior with objects and people; her favorite obsession was a black cat called Shihoin. The cat had been named after her old therapist who moved away with a man called Urahara, the previous year. Yoruichi Shihoin had been a resident therapist, who Soi greatly admired and wanted to please. However, after an unknown mishap, Yoruichi left with Urahara, and had not been seen since then. This left Soi more lost than before, and her only solace was a black cat, which Yoruichi also loved.

"Ever been in Ishq?" Hinamori asked, looking wistfully across the yard, probably thinking of Aizen.

"Yoruichi" Soi said, and with that, she stood up and walked away. Shihoin followed her, and together Hinamori and I stared across the courtyard. There was nothing out of the ordinary, until Byakuya appeared, following the large group of therapists that worked at the asylum.

Kyoraku, a flamboyant, flowery kimono clad man with his intern-turned-assistant Nanao, greeted people as he passed by. Following him was Mayuri Kurotsuchi, the residential mad scientist and his daughter/assistant, Nemu. It was no secret that he was the one who performed the lobotomies. Everyone knew that you could throw tantrums, but never could anyone do anything big enough to receive a lobotomy. It was the greatest fear of any patient. Following the shrinks were the head asylum staff, composed of Kiyone, Sentaro and Hisagi. Hisagi was the most popular; famous for his "69" tattoo, that everyone took the duty of mocking.

They all seemed disturbed slightly, each with stern faces. Ukitake soon followed them and they stood in a line, with the patients waiting impatiently for the news. Ukitake spoke first…

"Good afternoon patients. We recall what happened last month when Aizen betrayed us all; manipulating many of the patients here, including Gin and Tousen, to do his bidding. It had been discovered that Aizen had stolen large amounts of money from the asylum, as well as perform unauthorized lobotomies, without Dr. Mayuri's consent. Because of this we ask for you all to be careful, because we do not know how safe we all are from him. Security will be heightened for the safety of us all. I do not want to scare you; if any of you need to talk, please contact your therapist. Thank you"

Together, the shrinks turned away, and commotion began among the patients. I turned to Hinamori, who was crying silently.

"Hitsugaya had told me that Aizen was bad, he just never had any proof of it. I loved Aizen, Renji, I did, and now…" she wept silently, and then suddenly collapsed on the ground. I reached for her, and she scratched at my face, digging her nails into my skin.

"No!" she screamed and ran away, with Hisagi taking notice. He moved swiftly and caught her before she could get far, she fought back, but he received back up from Kiyone, who got her under control.

"Her dependent personality disorder, it will kill her" I heard Kira say, finally appearing. I felt blood droplets form across my nose; I wiped them away, feeling the unpleasant sting of the cuts. Kira offered a tissue, which I gratefully accepted. We sat in silence, until it began to rain again. In irritation, we walked away and with a chime from the clock in the hall, I realized it was time to meet with Byakuya.

Rukia was in the room when I appeared. She stood, agitated, by the window. When she saw me, she softened a bit, but not for long.

"Rukia, we are never getting back home, you need to learn that now or you never will" Byakuya said coldly. This irritated Rukia.

"Shut up nii-sama! You just don't want to go back, because home reminds you of Hisana!" Rukia spat.

Byakuya stood and slapped Rukia across her face. She cried out, and held her cheek sadly.

"You think surrounding yourself with people crazier than you are is going to help you? Good luck, you bastard" Rukia said, and with that she ran past me and out into the hall. I yelled after her, but was stopped by Byakuya.

He looked disturbed by his actions; setting aside his glasses as a warrior would the sword he just used to kill his best friend.

"Should I come some other time?" I asked, already backing away. Byakuya took a while to reply and finally he said, "No, no, sit. It's my job to take care of you" he said. As tender as that should have been, it sounded more like he was irritated at the prospect.

I sat at the chaise longue and stared at the older man. He looked exhausted and absolutely out of it. He finally looked up and stared directly at me, his grey eyes so completely shattered, and yet embarrassed.

"I regret that you saw that, especially seeing as I am supposed to be the normal one" he laughed ruefully. I frowned at him and said,

"Maybe if you weren't such a bitch, this wouldn't have had to happen" I retorted harshly. He stared at me blankly, shocked by what I had said. After a quick thought, his face twisted into a violent grimace and he snarled, "Get the fuck out of my office!"

With that, I left but not before saying, "You must fail at everything, ey?"

Angrily, I trudged around the asylum for a good two hours, cursing that raven haired man under my breath. How could I have ever thought that he was beautiful? His personality was distasteful enough to make me vomit. His icy eyes, his obsidian hair, his muscular frame, his scarf, his cold demeanor; all of it, was simply hideous!

I finally found myself by the lake, and took a seat on the damp ground, too angry to care about grass stains. Through my frustration I was able to hear low grumblings and sobs so painful, I felt the pain go through my body. I stood up and followed the haunting music of despair.

Behind a large oak, hunched over a small, traditional Japanese alter, was Kuchiki Byakuya, and completely devastated. He was on his knees, completely destroying his suit; his hair was out of its usual neat place away from his face, and no covering it like a silky mask. Black, like a mourner's veil. The sobs caused his body to tremble, and shake, his voice broken and hoarse.

I felt uncomfortable, intruding at such an intimate moment, violating him. Seeing him so weak, felt so disrespectful towards him. He was so proud; could I truly degrade him with my presence?

I coughed slightly, and quickly his head shot up to look at me. His eyes were red and swollen, his lips slightly parted, mid-sob. He tried to speak, but no sound escaped his lips. He looked so pained and broken, causing my legs to make an involuntary movement towards him.

"Kuchiki" I said, kneeling beside him. I read the altar, and recognized the name; Hisana, his deceased wife.

"Please, don't be here when I am like this" he said flatly, but I could tell he didn't mean it.

"Please, tell your pride to fuck off, and accept my comfort" I said smoothly, "and don't give me the bullshit that I am a patient therefore I cannot help you. I don't give a shit; I'm not insane, despite the situation, okay?" I said, turning to him.

He nodded sadly. I turned to Hisana's alter. He noticed and said, "She died, leaving Rukia for me to protect. They look so much alike, I sometimes find myself loathing Rukia for it. She looks so much like her, but will never be her"

I nodded and awkwardly put my arm around his shoulders. He leaned away, and stood up smoothly.

"I must leave" he said. I stood up and thought quickly,

"We haven't had our daily session yet, can we get over and done with it now?"

He stopped and considered and joined me at the altar. Together, we made our way to the fenced off lake, and watched the water silently.

"So, what happened?" I asked, cautiously wandering into unknown territory.

He sighed and began, "I was raised into a very noble family, widely recognized and respected in my district. I had married Hisana, much to the distaste of my elders. They wanted a girl with noble blood; however, Hisana was from a local slum. By default, I accepted Rukia, to appease Hisana. This further irritated my clan elders. When Hisana died however, they seemed pleased at the concept; it meant I could re-marry. But instead, I made a public vow never to marry, and officially adopted Rukia as my sister. The clan was so absolutely enraged, that I was exiled from the district and never to be part of the family again. I couldn't change my name, but other than the name, I have nothing of theirs. I found myself here, seeing as it's the most desolate, isolated place I could find to work. I studied Psychiatry and received PhD in the subject. So… here I am"

I remained quiet, considering the information I had just received. He seemed honest and hurt by the memory. Instinctively, I moved closer to him and wrapped my arm around him. He sat unyielding to my touch, but his shoulders eased, releasing streams of tension across his body.

"Why did you try to kill yourself, Renji?" he asked. I felt myself tense and sighed; I was bound to tell him anyway. And besides, it was only fair I told him my deep dark secret.

"I had been in a long time relationship with this girl in my school. I grew attached, and then I grew obsessed. She tried to leave me, but every time she did, I threatened her with suicide. I cut myself after every fight, and acted recklessly; anything to keep her by my side. Soon she realized that I was only bluffing, or at least, we both thought I was. But when she finally left me, I went mad.

"I fought with my parents, failed in school and started drinking. Soon, I found myself in a downward spiral, and none of it made her pay attention to me. She stayed away even more. So, I went home early one night, said goodnight to my parents for the first time in 4 months, and tried to stab myself to death. Luckily, or unluckily, my mother thought something was wrong, and found me before I bled out. I was rushed to hospital, taken into surgery and then into psychiatric analysis, where they discovered BPD, and now here I am"

I finished the end in a rush. I had not discussed the nature of my situation to anyone. Hot tears pricked my eyes and I turned away from Byakuya. He stayed away, staring contemplatively at the still lake. He then coughed and stood up, saying, "We will talk again tomorrow. Now, I must go find Rukia," and with that, he disappeared.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: After some consideration of YJ ANDY's review, I thought I would try and slow down a little, but I feel like this is a bit of a filler, and an explanation for Renji's tattoos and some back story, little by little, we will find out why he is where he is and why he does the things he does. Also, I remembered Hinamori's breakdown in the original bleach, and needed to mirror it somehow D: **

**I don't own Bleach! :3**

I reached the dining hall and was met by concerned faces, and tearful eyes.

"Hinamori" Kira said sadly. My heart began to thump in my chest. _What happened now? Was it the new about Aizen?_

I ran to Hitsugaya, who I knew she was close to, however, I knew he wouldn't talk to me. There was a slight, sad change in him, but he did not utter a word.

I searched through the crowd for one sane being, to my despair, I realized I was in an asylum. There was only one person who seemed calm among the throng of sadness and insanity Zaraki Kenpachi.

I ran to him, "What's going on? What happened to Hinamori?" I demanded. He looked at me and saw the frustration radiating from me.

"Attempted suicide after the news of Aizen. Shows them. The shrinks need to be a little more sensitive. One person tried to kill themselves, the whole lot go mad!" he said, glee coating his voice. I ignored him and immediately ran to the infirmary. Sitting in a corner was Isane.

"Where's Hinamori?" I asked her

She looked up and smiled sadly, "Don't worry, she'll be fine. I caught her before she took a big enough dose. She just left to the local hospital to get her stomach pumped. She'll be eating charcoal with chocolate milk for a while **(1)**."

"How could this happen? Aren't the pills meant to be stored away?" I asked angrily, turning my hands into fists. I was infuriated.

Isane looked apologetic and shrugged. I was sure that she was ashamed. I began to head to the door, but before I did I heard her small voice say, "Could you please tell Ukitake that she will be fine after all, he has no need to worry"

I nodded in acknowledgement to the message, though I doubted that she noticed. I walked out quietly, and punched the wall once I was out of the room. _Shit, why now?_

In the sad walk to Ukitake's office, I encountered Rukia. She looked exhausted, but otherwise not as angry as before. Actually, not angry at all. She caught sight of me and smiled.

"Renji" she said my name sweetly. I walked up to her and touched her cheek gently. Byakuya had not caused any substantial damage, just a slightly rouged complexion that was not matched, by the other pale cheek.

"I have to go pass on a message to Ukitake. Wanna come?" I asked leading as she automatically followed me with a shrug. In silence we walked, until Ukitake's office. We reached the door and knocked lightly. There was no response. We tried again.

"He's not in there" Rukia said, and began turning away. But I knew better. I opened the door and lying on the floor was Ukitake, his mouth dripping with blood and hands covered in it too. Rukia gasped, as did I. I called out for help. Rukia ran to the infirmary.

_How can things be going so wrong, all at the same time? Shit!_

_Byakuya sat silently in his office, trying to focus on the task of writing a weekly report on patient's progress. It was tedious and nerve wrecking, since most patients made no improvements in such a short time. However, writing that there were no improvements was unacceptable to Kuchiki. This monotonous, odious task went on for ten more minutes before he heard the shouts and yells of voices he was now familiar with. One was his sister and the other…_

"_Renji" he whispered to himself, and got up in one swift movement. He ran to the infirmary, only to find Isane and Unohana over Ukitake, who seemed unconscious._

"_Nii-sama" Rukia called out, and Kuchiki wrapped his arms around his trembling younger sibling. Across from him was stoic, distant Renji, staring aimlessly at the unconscious body of Dr. Ukitake. _

I did not sleep that night. Nor any other night. I spent part of it reading, until Ikkaku shouted for me to put my "fucking damn lights off". I then sat in the dark thinking. I thought deeply of love, and depression, and death, and coffee, and tattoos…

In the early hours of that morning, I picked up a traditional Japanese ink set and with it drew a tribal tattoo design I envisioned that night. Dark, slick, thick lines composed my tattoo. Representing strength I knew I did not have. I stared at the strong lines, glad that I had paid attention to my mother when she was writing. I was a master of the ink set.

I considered for the moment, how I could get it, and then I remembered, _69_, I smiled inwardly.

I approached Hisagi that day, with the proposal.

"I heard you know a bit about tattoo making" I said smoothly. He looked at me and said, "Yeah, I know a little"

"Can you do simple designs?" I asked, handing him the drawing of what I desired.

"Yeah, I know how to do them, but Renji, just know, an asylum does not have the resources to tattoo anyone" he said, and sipped his tea.

"Well, I have money you can use to buy some" I said, biting my lip. I had hoped to save that money, but now, my desire for the tattoo was stronger than my desire to escape.

"How much do you need?" I asked,

"How much do you have?"

I thought back and blurted, "$120"

"Not enough" he said curtly, and smiled sadly, "Sorry man, but what you want looks big, and it needs cash. See you around yeah? Remember, I would willingly do it" and with that, I walked away in frustration, cursing myself for being such an idiot.

"Renji, it's time for our appointment" Byakuya said coldly behind me. I turned to face him and nodded, before we began walking to the lake.

We began going to the lake because I preferred talking there, in a more natural environment. Byakuya preferred it because it meant he was closer to his late wife's altar.

We sat on the damp grass, and talked of the strange turn of events in the asylum.

"Everything seems to be going wrong now" I sighed, leaning back. I looked up at the dank, grey sky and wished that the sun would shine sometime soon. Byakuya stared at the water, and shook his head, "There is no explanation for it. Must be fate"

"You believe in that shit?" I asked laughingly. He nodded and said, "Hisana did"

Feeling disrespectful, I decided to change the subject, "I want to get tattoos done, but don't have the money. Hisagi said he would do it only if I provided the money for equipment" I said quickly. I wasn't sure how he would take it.

"Why do you want tattoos?" he asked quietly.

"Because I want something new, I want to feel different, because I just feel like that lost person who tried to give up on life again and I want to be stronger" I admitted. Until then, I didn't know why I wanted them.

Byakuya nodded, and we began talking about hobbies. We talked about art, haiku, food, tea, anything really. Until our one hour was done. We bid each other farewell, and went our separate ways.

I was sitting in my room, alone, as Ikkaku was away; God knows where doing God knows what. Hitsugaya was with Hinamori at the hospital, trying to sooth her in his own mute way I was sure. She didn't mind, his company was enough.

There was a sudden knock on the door that made jump.

"Come in" I said, closing my book. Hisagi's head could be seen around the corner and in he came with a paper bag.

"What's that?" I asked, as he took out a tattoo gun with several vials of black ink. I blinked in shock and looked up at him, "What's this?"

"Let's just say someone contributed to your cause" and he smiled, "would you like to get started"

I nodded eagerly and began to arrange myself. I had mentally prepared myself for this and was fully ready. It felt like some sort of initiation.

I lied down on my bed, fully consuming the pain of the needle first going into my skin.

The tattoo was stark against my pale white skin. They graced my forehead, and extended to my neck, over my shoulders and down my torso and back. I admired them in the mirror, and touched them gently with my fingers. I had to thank Byakuya.

It was a no surprise that it was him, and yet extremely shocking that it was. Confusing? I had not been surprised, seeing as Byakuya was the only person I had told. And yet, I had never expected such a thing from Byakuya; but I did not question it, I was just glad it happened.

I met him in his office that day, seeing as it was raining. I walked in, and saw him at his desk. He looked up blankly, and then focused on the lines across my forehead.

"You got them done so soon" he said flatly, standing up and walking towards me. I stood in place and smiled, "I just want to say tha-"

"First let me see the tattoos before you thank me" he said, with a slight smirk pulling at his lips. I nodded and began pulling off my jacket, then my shirt. I stood beneath his gaze, awkwardly watching his reaction. There was something… sensual, about being gazed upon by a man like Byakuya.

He looked at me, with an air of slight hunger. I shivered a little. _Why did that feel so good?_ I asked, taken aback by the sensation. His eyes moved from my shoulder, to my chest, to my stomach. All light, deliberate movements. I was sure he did not mean it in a sexual way, and yet that is how my body took it. He just wanted to inspect the design, and yet I wanted him to inspect a lot more.

With that thought, he seemed to look away and nodded, "interesting. It's original so I approve" and sat back at his desk. I nodded and pulled my clothes back on, taking a seat on the chaise longue. He turned back to his paper work, and then to me again, "I want to try an exercise"

"Is it one of those psychiatric evaluation ones?" I asked skeptically. He gave a slight smirk and said, "Yes, but it's not as lame as you make it seem"

"If you say so, Dr. Kuchiki" I said, mockingly. He looked at me over his shoulder, before he said, "let us begin. The aim is to see how your brain works"

"Surprising"

"And I will say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes to mind" he finished, ignoring me, "First word; home?"

"Slum"

"Mother?"

"Dead"

"Father?"

"Drunk"

"Interesting… why those words? From the impression you gave me, your parents seem like very nice people" he said, seemingly confused. He didn't know…

"My parents are fucked up; my foster parents are good people" I said, feeling dread come over me. This is the part of therapy I was dreading.

"You're an orphan" he concluded, seemingly dumbfounded. I nodded and turned slightly away from him. He too had been disowned by his family, but at least he had grown up in a noble environment before being abandoned. I was a slum-rat, and that made me miserable. But why would I even care what he thought about me?

"What age did you go to the orphanage?"

"Six, and don't bother asking how it was, because I honestly don't remember"

He must have seen how serious I was, for he did not push the matter.

"At what age were you adopted?" he asked

"Thirteen" I said, remembering the day I was adopted. I was a good child, too scared that I would be left by these people who had saved me. _Saved me from what? _I always asked myself. I never remembered what it was I needed to be saved from; I just had a burning desire to be rescued.

"Hmm… there is a way we can retrieve your memories of the orphanage, if you want" he said, "It would help with your recovery if we dealt with your suppressed memories, seeing as they are the cause of the disorder"

I looked at him, and grimaced, "No."

"It would help, but I will not force it on you. It's just… I believe you want to leave this place, and can't do that until you get rid of those emotions"

"Why don't you simply write a letter to Dr. Yamamoto, telling him I'm doing great and showing real improvement, while you do nothing" I snapped back, angry. Why did he care? Why was he helping me? Why so much effort? It's not like they paid him that much anyway…

"Because, I became a psychiatrist to actually help people, not to sit on my lazy ass, diagnose and send you off with medication that will not help, and wait for them to finally give you a lobotomy because that would be their last resort" he said, narrowing his eyes.

I thought of my meds. They were administered twice a day, to deal with depression, and though I did not believe I suffered from it, I still took the meds, because that was what was expected of me. I never thought they worked, and I never thought I needed them to; they were just to appease those around me.

"Do you want to get out of here, fully recovered, or not? You may as well leave with a good report, but you will end up here again, I assure you" Byakuya said. He looked at his watch and said, "Our hour is over, we will talk tomorrow"

I stood up and walked to the door, leaving with thoughts of home, freedom and the price I would have to pay for both.

I had been at the asylum for 5 months before my foster parents came and visited. They were nice people. Traditional in every sense, and though extremely rich and complete, they adopted a rat like me. I always asked them why, and my foster mum said, "It's because we could see how special you are. When we first saw you, it was like looking upon a pearl in an oyster. It is too beautiful to pass by without wanting it as your own."

During the 5 months however, I was sure all that had changed. They probably wished they had passed up the chance to own me, like Hino did in The Pearl by John Steinbeck **(2).** However, when they saw me, they came and embraced me deeply.

"My baby" mum breathed, kissing the top of my fiery red crown of hair. My dad hugged us both, before pulling away and saying, "Well, that's different"

Mum pulled away too and looked horrified. The tattoos, I almost forgot…

"They are to mark the renewal of your son, mum and dad, they represent my newfound strength within myself" I said quickly. Their looks softened and they inspected them gently.

"They frame your face well, but you could look good with a rug," my mum joked softly.

We sat together in the main hall, since that was the meeting area; away from the other patients.

"You know, you aren't actually crazy. I don't understand why they insisted you come here," my dad wondered out loud, looking around the hall.

I nodded, feeling my stomach drop.

"They don't understand, and don't care. It's okay, it's better to get full time support, you know? It's not so much an asylum but a recovery home" I offered. That did not ease them, but knowing that I was still in high spirits despite my situation, gave their eyes a glimmer of hope.

"As long as you are happy and doing all you can to be okay again, we support you" my mum said, taking my face into her hands and kissing my forehead.

_Yeah, doing all I can…_ I sigh.

_Byakuya was strolling by the lake, on his way to Hisana's altar. He had built a small canopy for it, so that the rain would not soil it. It made him happy to have something remaining of his late-wife, even here at the asylum. He had been living in one of the residential homes, a small apartment that was nothing like his mansion. He still remembered the large ornate rooms, the study that he where he spent his time drinking tea and writing haiku. _

_He was filled with longing at the thought, but was also feeling slightly distraught. He kept thinking back to Renji's tattoos. Though Renji had been grateful, and had not questioned Byakuya's motives, Byakuya wondered why he had helped the youth. Why did he help him?_

_There was a certain je ne Sais quoi about Renji was Byakuya was drawn to. He wanted to befriend him, make him feel better, help him get out. Maybe in releasing Renji from this hell, he would find freedom and peace within himself. _

_Upon reaching Hisana's altar, all thoughts of Renji were dispelled and Byakuya returned to thoughts of home and the time he had spent with his late wife. _

**1: it is a treatment used to absorb the toxins after someone had overdosed, it's disgusting! My best friend needed to do this after over dosing D:**

**2: an amazing novella; the pearl makes wishes come true, but also curse those who possess it. **

**sorry if it was boring please review (and be nice, pour favor? :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/B: I contemplated putting this next chapter up so soon, but I may as well, seeing as its already done and I probably read it like 1000 times already... It definitely gives a lot more insight into Renji's story, but also, raises a few questions. Its pretty short, like a filler but has some explanation. If it feels a little rushed, sorry, it is to lead onto greater events! I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much to the reviewers! Your feedback is always helpful! Please review, nicely, thank you! And thank you so much to the faves and follows! They are so encouraging and are appreciated! **

My parents left later that evening, my mother with tears in her eyes. As brave as she was trying to be, I knew that it was killing her seeing me there. I walked to my room after the meeting and finally decided to face my demons. The scar.

I had avoided looking it. It was barely noticeable now that I had gotten my tattoos; even observant Byakuya did not notice it. I was sure Hisagi had while tattooing me; however he never mentioned anything about it.

Now standing in front of the mirror, I could see the long stitched gash that had been bleeding so profusely all those months ago, like a dried up river that had roared so fiercely once. The result of a flood of emotions, I could not contain.

_She had finally dumped me; officially, I could see the determination in her perfect features. She was finally going to rid herself of me, once and for all. Purged her life of the thing that caused her so much pain. I was a cancer in her life. _

_Standing on the bridge, we stared each other down. I didn't beg, nor ask her to stay. I did not threaten her with suicide, because I knew I was going to do it this time. No more bluffing. _

_She walked away from me then, and left me standing on the bridge. For a moment, I considered simply jumping off. Then realized I hadn't said good bye to my foster parents. _

_I walked home slowly, considering all the options. Overdose? Hanging? Cutting? Stabbing?_

_By the time I reached home, I had settled for stabbing. It was painful and gutsy… honorable, because I wouldn't want to cause my foster family shame. _

_I walked into the house and sat with them for dinner. Between mouthfuls of Miso soup and rice, I took in the kind features of my foster parents. They were very similar in looks; both had brown hair and eyes, both had easy smiles on their faces as they discussed the summer festivals. After dinner, we watched TV, but I was barely aware of what was going on. I could only think of what I was going to do. _

_The clock struck ten pm. It was time. _

_"Goodnight parents" I said, bowing to them. They looked at me, slightly perplexed; it was strange of me to be so formal and respectful. However, I could show them nothing but respect after how they were still able to care for me after all the crap I had put them through those few months. I stood and walked towards my room. _

_I had been taking classes to master the katana and had received one for my birthday the previous year. I had called it Zabimaru, which meant "snake tail"; the quirk was enough for me to fall in love with my katana._

_I picked him up from its perch on my wall, and held it close to my chest, before removing it from its sheath. I took its hilt in both my both my hands and extended them until the tip of the blade was an inch from my abdomen._

_ I took a deep breath, readying myself for the world of pain, but also to the freedom in death. And with one swift motion, drove it half way into my body. It was a nice clean cut, and I collapsed on the ground, the pain flowing through my body in waves of agony. It felt like a hot poker was driven through my body, and emanated a burning, hollow pain. I stopped breathing from the pain alone and my eye rolled to the back of my head. The last thing I remembered, what my mother's cries of surprise and horror at her child's suicide attempt._

I stared sadly at the scar. I was such an idiot, to think that my death would have solved everything. I always believed that if I had succeeded maybe things would be better, but I failed, and now I was paying the consequences.

I was lucky no organs were severed or punctured; I was lucky I had no knowledge of anatomy and how I could have really sealed the deal. When the doctor said that with a smile, I wasn't sure whether to kill him or use my plastic pudding spoon to gauge my eyes out.

Sitting in my room then, I stared at the floor in contemplation, when Yumichika and Ikkaku walked into my room, a tangle of legs and arms, all over each other. Their faces were smashed together in a passionate kiss, saliva and hair from Yumichika all over the place. They finally found the bed, and began deepening the kiss, exploring more of each other.

I coughed, and they abruptly stopped.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Yumichika asked indignantly. My mouth simply gaped open, like a nutcracker. Ikkaku pushed Yumichika off, grabbed me and walked me to the hall.

"You will not talk about this to anyone" Ikkaku stated, a threat lingering in the air.

"He's a dude" I said lamely.

"Yeah? So? Renji, it doesn't matter, he likes me, who gives a fuck if we both have dongs; I love this guy" Ikkaku said dreamily. I nodded slowly, and began to walk away as he returned to him love fest with Yumichika.

Seeing macho man Ikkaku expressing his love, especially to a man was an eye opener. I always imagined him with some hot curvy blonde girl who was as dumb as doorknob. Now I realized that he was deeper than that, and that made me consider…

"Come in Renji" Byakuya said flatly. I stepped into his office and took a seat. It was raining again, but with the dropping temperatures, it was going to be snow soon. I wasn't sure whether to celebrate or curse the change in weather. Byakuya caught me staring out the window contemplatively and then coughed. I turned to him.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Fine… finally looked at my scar, actually I wanted to show it to you" I said, standing up and lifting my shirt before he could say anything. I didn't know what I was doing, but instinct told me this was right.

He looked at it, and a slight change in his face occurred. His eyes softened, his eye brows ever so slightly pulled upwards, his lips dipped at the sides, his jaw settled into a sad frown. His features had transformed so drastically, I was not used to this new look.

"Renji-"

"I stabbed myself with a katana" I said, moving closer. I don't know why I felt the sudden urge to be open and blunt about it. It my way of finally facing my demons, speaking out about my greatest regret. His eyes grew sadder and his lips parted, as though he was searching for something to say. Finally something escaped his dry mouth;

"You are both very brave and strong, but a complete imbecile" he said. I looked at him and laughed.

"Wow, I haven't heard that one before" I laughed, as I pulled down my shirt and took a seat. Somehow, it felt good sharing my scar with Byakuya; I wanted him to know…

"There's something I don't seem to comprehend" he said

"What's that?"

"If you could do something as brave as stabbing yourself with a 17 inch sword, how could you not have the same courage to live" he said simply. We stared at each other. He looked at me expectantly, waiting for things to click, and they did.

"I only realized now, how I should have used that strength elsewhere" I said lamely, and sighed, burrowing my head in my hands.

The following day, something unexpected happened. Once in a while, patients from other asylums would be relocated to our asylum. I wasn't sure if it was because they had improved or gotten worse. They came from Las Noches Asylum, which was for the most utterly, completely, dipshit insane people out there. And now, they were here.

The first I found out about was a large breasted, orange haired girl who apparently was schizophrenic, screamed all night about things called "_Hollows_" and apparently saw the ghost of her dead brother. She also said that her friends were little fairies that lived in her hair. She was a pitiful thing, and I often looked at her, talking to nothing but the air around her. Her name was Orihime.

Along with her came an emo, abused little man, with large green eyes and dark black hair. He never showed any emotion, and the only person he ever interacted with was Orihime, listening to her rants about the Hollows. His name was Ulquiorra.

Along with them came Haribel; who was apparently always in a mask and straight jacket at Las Noches, but was free here, her eyes darting all over the place; Nel, a green haired girl who was in for schizophrenia and firmly believed that she was a five year old child; and the last, a fascinating creature.

He was lean, searching the room with cool blue eyes in determination but confusion. You aren't sure why you are there, and I could see the same look of misunderstanding on his face. He looked broken, but strong at the same time. He was a paradox. Shy yet confident. Imperfect and yet absolutely perfect in every way. He looked at me and smiled. I found myself smiling back.

During dinner he approached and confidently said, "Hey, I'm in here for passive-aggressive behavior and attempted murder, hello to you all"

Ikkaku was dumbfounded, Yumichika blown away, Kira wide eyed; even Hitsugaya batted his eye lashes in shock. I stared blankly and smirked. This kid was gutsy.

No one talked openly about why they were in the asylum. Usually some snoopy person went and read the new comers files and shared their content with everyone else in the asylum. Now here was this stranger, openly talking about his reason for being in a mad house. It was a sight to see.

He sat down opposite me and smirked slightly. The table was silent, as everyone tried to comprehend what was going on.

"So who did you try killing?" Ikkaku ventured, testing the waters to see if the new comer was as ballsy as he came off.

He did not disappoint and said, "The man who killed my family"

Silence.

"I could have gotten away with it, if the cops hadn't showed up" he continued, absentmindedly shoveling pasta into his mouth. Again, silence. It stretched on for what seemed like forever, before I ended the silence to ask, "So what is your name?"

"Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez" he said, grinning widely with a glint in his eye.

**A/N: New arrivals are always problematic... *sigh* interested to see what happens next, with THIS new arrival :) thanks again for reading it! It means a lot. **


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hello darlings! Thank you again for the reviews, favorites and follows! They mean so much and they really push my to write :D This chapter is definitely more of a filler than anything else, and is one of the reasons for the M rating! There is definitely some GrimmjowxRenji so also be ready for that (I know I know its meant to be ByakuyaxRenji, give it time :) sorry for not posting in a while, there was so internet at home, and now I'm back in boarding so posting :D **

Sitting with Kira and Hinamori, who had finally come back from lock down, we watched the other patients socialize in their little herds while we discussed literature. We always spoke of unnecessary things, in an attempt to grasp some threads of normalcy in our day to day lives.

"Othello or Hamlet?" I asked, staring at Zaraki, who was instigating a fight with Ulquiorra. In turn, Ulquiorra stared at him with a look of pure murderous intent. It made me smile slightly.

Hinamori opened her mouth to reply, but was silenced by the arrival of Grimmjow. He walked slowly towards us, his bright blue hair contrasting greatly with the grey sky overhead. He sat beside me and extended his hand, "Grimmjow, you must be Renji, we already met, what about you two?"

"Kira" said, terribly confused looking, which was the usual look Grimmjow got at the asylum.

"Hinamori" said, shying away from the new comer.

"Pleased to meet you" he smiled and looked directly at me, "interesting tattoos"

I felt myself blush and become self-conscious, "Thanks"

"Are they all over your body?" he asked, slowly looking me over. His eyes finally met mine and I felt my stomach do a flip.

"Uh yeah," I replied, before the call to indicate that leisure time was over rang out. It was time for my appointment. I stood and began to walk towards Byakuya's office. I realized soon after that Grimmjow was following me. He was quiet, but he kept glancing over at me, and then finally asked, "Can I see the rest of your tattoos?"

I froze and turned to him, "What?"

"Can I see them?" he asked, taking a step towards me. I stood still as he stood inches from me, his hands already taking the hem of my shirt. I stopped breathing, and became uncertain as to what to do. Suddenly, there was a cough, and I turned quickly to find Byakuya glaring at me.

Byakuya turned to Grimmjow, looking him over once and then said, "Can you please leave Renji alone, it's time for our appointment"

Grimmjow took a step back and glanced at me once more, his face inquisitive, before he walked off, hands in his jacket.

I sighed and followed Byakuya, who was already seated at his desk. He stared at me angrily as I took a seat beside him.

"So, what do you want to talk about today?" he asked coldly, and I sighed, asking, "Othello or Hamlet?"

xx

_Byakuya could not understand why seeing Renji with that boy had infuriated him so. He felt himself heat up, not with embarrassment in catching them, but in absolute horror. Why did it bother him to see his Renji with that new boy, Grimmjow? No, there were two things wrong with that sentence: Renji was not his, and Byakuya would have gotten angry if anybody was with Renji. _

_Even during their session, Byakuya could not help but feel that Renji was rather distant, like a school girl daydreaming about a new boy. This disgusted Byakuya, and at the end of the session, he dismissed Renji. The teen left confused and hurt. _

xx

I decided to avoid Grimmjow. I avoided for a week, dodging him, but watching him with desire. I was not sure why it made me uneasy to imagine the thought of him looking upon my tattoos. Byakuya had done it... Why didn't I mind? Maybe I had just started to trust him, beside our differences, we had become comfortable. However… I felt more than simple friendship… What did this say about me? That I was homo- no, I couldn't be. No. Curse Ikkaku.

I looked over the lunch hall to where he sat with Yamuchika. Anyone who hadn't seen it in action would never believe that any love existed between the two unpredictable men, the only thing betraying them were a few loving glances between them. I couldn't help but shudder at what they might do in my room together. I grimaced at the thought.

I stood up to leave for my room. I walked of the hall and down the corridor; I noticed a blue head floating in the dim light. He noticed me before I noticed him, and he walked briskly towards me, pushing me against the wall. I grunted with shock as I hit the wall.

"Sorry, I can't take this anymore. I've been here long enough, and I've watched you" he confessed, his azure eyes drilling into my own, "I know you've watched me too"

I felt my face heat up. I hesitated to speak before whispering "I was just curious"

"Well, curiosity killed the cat"

"Good thing I'm not a cat" I smiled.

His body pressed onto mine; neck to neck, chest to chest, knee to knee. He stared into my eyes as he breathed heavily onto my face. I could smell mint and warmth from him, and it made my skin tingle. It had been a while since I had been so close to another person.

His hands explored my body while his tongue began to explore my mouth. His tongue reached deep into my cavern, while his hands ran from my arms, broad shoulders and muscular chest with ease. I moaned deeply in my chest, and he responded with one of his own. He was dominating me, and I was becoming aroused.

Suddenly, I felt a bump against the tightness in my jeans. My eyes popped open, and I looked down seeing Grimmjow's erection rubbing my own. He too looked down, and gave a feral smile. He lifted my shirt and stared in awe at my tattoos, and then his hands began to drop to the buckle of my belt. He pressed his lips to mine again and his tongue explored me once more.

I gave a throaty moan, and felt him rub his hand against my member. My breath hitched and I reeled from the touch.

"Oh shit" I cursed, rubbing myself against him. He chuckled, and stopped. There was noise somewhere to our right. I buckled my belt quickly, and turned towards the shadows so as to hide my erection.

Rukia rounded the corner and stared blankly as Grimmjow and I. I smiled and greeted her, though my mind was not sure what I was saying. She approached us and we started to converse. However, the whole time, I could only think about that kiss. Before we went our own separate ways, Grimmjow gripped my hand and whispered, "We'll finish this some other time"

I shivered at the thought. Whether it was out of desire, or out of fear, I wasn't sure. Something in his eyes made me uneasy.

xx

_Byakuya waited impatiently for Rukia to show up, irritated with her inability to be punctual for anything. _She was even late for her own birth! _Byakuya thought sourly. But he sighed and waited quietly. _

_Suddenly, she joined him to walk back to their apartment. _

_"Where have you been?" he asked, trying to suppress any harshness in his voice. _

_"I was stopped over by Grimmjow and Renji" she said airily, already walking towards the complex. My skin crawled as I asked, "Were they together before you met them?"_

_"Yeah" she laughed, "They looked so shocked to see me!"_

_With that, Byakuya clenched my jaw and felt hatred for Grimmjow build up in within him. _

**A/N: was it lame? Do you like the little twist? What do you think is going to happen next? :D let me know! Fave, follow, review! all the good stuff that makes writers sleep well at night :D :) Thank you so much for reading! **


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Bonjour mes amies! Sorry you guys, so sorry, I have not been on for such a long time, it's taken me a week to post the next chapter D: I have been so busy since I came back to school, and sadly, I might just get busier T.T Thank you for the reviews :D I would like to make a shout out to Renji-Bya-Lover for great support, and thank you all so much :D :) This is going to be a particularly graphic chapter, with GrimmxRenji, so be ready *deep breath* **

It was raining heavily, so leisure time was in the lunch hall. The Las Noches Kids sat together, none seemed to be talking, they simply sat together, and as though that was the only way they could belong in this new environment.

Grimmjow sometimes leaned over to Haribel to turn to me once in a while. My skin felt hot as his gaze was on me.

I tried hard to concentrate on Hinamori was saying about Ukitake not coming back for a long time, and being replaced temporarily with Mayuri; she was scared. After her attempted suicide, there was a deep fear that she was going to be taken in for a lobotomy. It had been a while since the attempt, but she still felt the need to be on her best behavior. Even Rangiku was quieter, with sobs only audible if you passed close to her room.

"I guess we are all on our best behavior" I said distantly, as once again Haribel and Grimmjow ended their conversation to look at me.

xXx

It was movie night at the asylum. After a nasty meal of macaroni and cheese (which was more like watery salty yellow substance on hard bland yellow pasta), we proceeded to the screening of an obscure film, that was probably older than all of us and an unrealistically happy ending. That was the only way to avoid triggers that could make everyone go mad.

I took my seat at the back, ready to leave as soon as everyone fell asleep, when Grimmjow grabbed my shoulder roughly and dragged my away. Nobody noticed us, as they were already closing their eyes. The supervisors were Hisagi, who hadn't noticed us because he was arguing with Kenpachi about the choice in movie, and Nanao, who was too deeply absorbed into what seemed to be "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I followed Grimmjow down the corridor and out the door into the back garden that lead to the psychiatrist's residential apartments. It was cold, especially because it was late November.

He pulled me to the darkness the trees lent and shoved my roughly against a tree.

"You have a thing for shoving" I muttered, as he rubbed his hands over my chest.

"Yeah, that's not the only thing I shove" he growled, pressing himself to me. I shivered, not from the cold that was surrounding us, but from an unidentifiable feeling.

He pressed his lips to mine, more roughly than last time, pinning me to the tree. I shifted a little, but strong hips kept me still. I gasped when he bit my lip, and I tasted blood.

_Shit!_ I cursed inwardly, as he reached for my belt buckle and then his own. Pulling my pants down roughly, and exposing my member to the cold, he took it in his hand and pumped a little. I moaned but it was cut short when he immediately reached for my anus.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I asked, trying to push him off, and failing miserably as he turned me over so that I was facing the tree.

"Shut the fuck up, Red Riding Hood" he spoke harshly. My ass was now exposed to the elements, and I bit my lip as I heard him pull down his pants. I wanted to scream, but a sock was shoved roughly into my mouth. He was going to rape me, I knew that for sure. This made tears come to my eyes.

I sighed and waited for the pain to come, but after some shifting behind me, I felt Grimmjow ease his grasp.

"Let go of him" I heard a passive cool voice say. A chill ran down my spine and my hairs stood on end. _Byakuya…_

"Let go of him" he repeated more strongly now, and I heard him take a step forward. I heard Grimmjow zip his pants and let me go. I slumped to the ground, pulling the sock from my mouth, and knowing that my ass was in full bloom to Byakuya, so I pulled them up roughly and turned to face the two men.

They were staring each other down.

"You should mind your own business and go back to not giving a shit" Grimmjow said, rubbing his knuckle as he got ready to give a punch. Byakuya stared coldly at him, and adjusted the strap on his back. He was out of his suit and into gym clothes. Either way, he was still his usual intimidating self.

"You shouldn't be taking advantage of someone weaker than you" Byakuya said.

"Weaker than me? Not weaker, but a little bitch who was begging to get fucked" he said harshly. My face must have dropped because Byakuya looked at me, and suddenly his cool mask became twisted with anger.

He reached behind his back and pulled a katana from behind him. I watched in shock as he threatened Grimmjow with it with such ease, it was like taking a breath. Instinctual and natural. Grimmjow retreated to a tree, and pressed himself against it.

"This is Senbonzakura, and he will kill you if you do not handle yourself" Byakuya spat, inching the katana closer to Grimmjow's neck, "Now, I don't appreciate you talking about Renji like that. If you dare ever approach him or if I see you talking to him… no… wait" Byakuya stopped and sheathed his katana, "I have a better idea"

He closed the space between him and Grimmjow, so they were inches from each other.

"I will move you back to Las Noches by tomorrow morning on the basis that you want to move back. We all know you don't, but you will say that you do because I will kill you if you don't. Mayuri will have no objections, because he doesn't give a fuck about little shits like you. You will leave tomorrow and never return again. That is how I will ensure that Renji-kun will be safe. Now… go and pack"

There was a moment's hesitation. Grimmjow looked too shocked to move, but when Byakuya reached behind his back, Grimmjow walked away, fear evident in the tension that raked his back. I stared after him and turned to Byakuya, who was looking at me blankly.

"I do hate being vulgar, but that seems to be the only way to help people like him understand. Are you fine?"

"I'm ok… thank you" I said lamely, trying to hide my obvious embarrassment.

"Don't be so ashamed… sometimes it's hard to avoid temptation" he stated, understanding coating his voice.

"What? It was nothing like that!" I said holding my elbows. It was so cold.

"Renji" he said, looking into my eyes. I sighed and looked away.

"I feel as though this incident shows how we need to start your therapy" he said and began to walk. He turned to look over his shoulder, and said, "Would you like to come over for some tea? Rukia is watching the movie and I would prefer if you were with me after this ordeal"

I nodded and followed him towards his home.

**A/N: Kinda short yeah? Feel like its another filler so Byakuya and Renji can grow closer :) an explanation though, is that BPD (Renji's mental disorder) the people with it find themselves in risky situations a lot, so I thought I would show that here :) Thank you for reading! Review, favorite, follow! All the good stuff that makes me want to write, for you, :D **


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: Hello y'all! :D I have decided that I will update weekly so that I can do my work and update frequently enough :) **

**This chapter to me feels like a filler, so lets just call it a filler! It goes off on a tangent a little, but I like to show the interaction between Renji and Byakuya a bit more, their love wont pop out of nowhere :D I hope you enjoy it! Thank you so much for favoriting, following, reviewing :) it makes me want to keep writing! please review, so I can deliver what you want :)**

**Thanks to Renji-Bya-Lover for all the help :D :D **

**xXx**

Byakuya's apartment was the traditional Japanese home, with shoji, paintings of cherry blossom trees and an array of teapots decorating the small environment. There were two doors, with one slightly ajar. I could see a futon with pale blue covers, which I assumed was Rukia's room, but true to his word, Rukia was not present.

"Let me start the tea. It will help you get warm" Byakuya said, dropping his katana on the floor and walking to the small kitchenette. I nodded and looked around the small room. He put on the kettle and came back to sit at a low table, where an ink set was set up. He pushed it aside and demonstrated for me to sit down.

I took a seat and looked down at the papers that littered the table.

"Hey, is this all haiku (2)?" I asked, waiting for his response, "It's closer to senryuu"

I moved on to ask, "Can I read some?"

He seemed apprehensive at first but then gave a slight nod of approval. I picked the paper closest to me and began to read aloud,

"W_hispers call snowflakes  
Falling red leaves  
Like red hair._

_So cold the air  
Brown leaves  
Like eyes._

_The snowflakes fall  
look upon a chest  
No control of Desire._

I looked up to find Byakuya staring at me dumbfounded, his face as still as ever, however a slight blush decorated his cheeks. He shifted uncomfortably, and turned his eyes from me to the poem. He held his hand out to indicate that he wanted the paper back. I handed it over and tried to read his features.

Byakuya stood up, muttering something about the water being ready. I felt my heart beat speed up. _Is this about me? _I wondered.

He returned and began a tea making ceremony, with the precision of a master. This was done for special guests, and my stomach felt warm that he felt it was necessary.

"I am sorry about tonight" I repeated, taking a small cup from him. I watched the tea's steam rise and let it defrost my nose.

"Please, don't apologize anymore, it is alright. I understand, it was a moment of weakness" he sighed, "We all have them"

I focused on the steam rising from my tea and felt sick at the thought of Byakuya seeing me so... weak. I decided to change the subject.

"I suppose" I said and turned my attention to his katana, "Nice"

He turned towards it too, "Senbonzakura… yes, he is quite… 'Nice' as you say" he smirked slightly.

"What were you doing out there tonight?" I asked, sipping my tea.

"I was coming back from the lake side. It's where I like practicing my kenjutsu" he explained.

"I used to have one… its name was Zabimaru" I said.

"Is it the one that you used?" he asked, looking down at where my scar would be beneath my clothes. I nodded and sipped my tea.

"Well, I think that is disrespectful to the katana… though samurai were known to disembowel themselves as a sign to bring honor after they were brought to shame. The gesture is called _seppuku. _Though they used tanto rather than a katana" (3)

"Makes suicide sound so honorable" I muttered, feeling my scar tingle at the memory.

"There is no honor in that anymore. It was practiced by my family, as they were samurai, but the tradition was ended with my great grandfather, as we moved towards industry. However, being a samurai descendant does have its perks"

"Like sweet skills with a katana?"

"Like that" he smirked, and then turned serious, "I do believe that if we are to deal with your mental condition, we must first… regain the memories that caused the disorder in the first place"

I sighed and said, "I really don't want to have to do that"

"Renji" he said sternly

I ignored him and continued to stare at my cooling tea.

"Renji" he said softly, reaching over the table. He lifted his hand to meet my chin. I felt my skin heat up at the touch. I looked up into his silver eyes and felt my heart beat quicken.

"Please, I want to see you get better, and I think it's the only way" he said, a bit of emotion seeping into his voice.

I felt a hot tear run down my cheek, and I tasted the salt through my slightly parted lips. I was so scared, "I can't!"

"Renji" he said, softly again. He came over to my side of the table and took my face into both his hands, "It is the only way to get out of here" he repeated, pleading.

I sat silently for a couple of minutes, before I stood up and said, "No, Byakuya, I don't want to relive those memories" and walked towards the door, but stopped with my hand on the handle.

"Renji" he called, as he stood up. He approached me and took me into his arms, where I cried even harder.

"Please stop this! Stop caring about me!" I yelled, punching his back. He held tighter and I cried harder. This went on for ages, until I was too tired to continue and just stood there, letting his warmth envelope me.

"I think I should leave" I said and pulled away. We stared at each other awkwardly, and I felt the skin on my cheeks heat up. He blushed slightly.

"Ok, I will see you tomorrow" he said and reached over to open the door. Our faces were inches away from one another. We looked into each other's eyes… silence ensued.

"Tomorrow" I repeated, and walked out into the cold night to a restless night of sleep.

**xXx**

_Byakuya closed the door after Renji left, and leaned against the cold wood. He felt out of breath, though the reason was unknown to him. He pressed two fingers to his temple and massaged them slowly._

That silly boy,_ he thought with irritation as he remembered Renji reading aloud his deepest thoughts. It would take a brainless gimp to not realize that the poetry was about Renji. Byakuya sighed and walked back to the low table. He picked the paper up and thought about the night's events._

_First he saved Renji for certain trauma, only to find him and the boy in such intimate stances. It was overwhelming, it was unnecessary and risky, it was... invigorating._

_Byakuya walked into the kitchen and read the poem one last time. The words made him blush openly in the privacy of his own home. _That boy..._ a boy... Byakuya could not contemplate the idea, but he wanted so badly to heal the young man._

_He sighed and slid the poem into his grandfather's ornamental tea pot, where he also kept Hisana's picture. It would be safe there, he hoped._

_Tomorrow would be another day, and he walked solemnly to his bed to contemplate._

xXx

**A/N; 1: Shoji are doors made of thin rice paper and act as room dividers as well**

**2: Now, haiku is so damn complicated, but lets just go with this being senryu, that also talks about the seasons because upon researching you can do that :) please, excuse me for being terrible at it... practice makes perfect, and I have had no practice whatsoever! **

**3: seppuku was disembowelment done by samurai to die before they were taken in for interrogation or torture, or for another reason to bring one honor. It was done with a tanto that is a small version of a katana, but it was usually ceremonial. If they had to do it quickly, like if they are about to be captured, they would use katanas.**

** I hope it was a good little filler, for the next chapter... I know, I could have just jumped into the therapy, but it seemed, unrealistic I think, Renji is too stubborn :3 **


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: Hey guys :) I hope everyone is well, its time for this weeks update, which I will warn, things are getting and will get a lot more graphic and painful, as well as emotional and other such stuffs :3 so yeah, please review and thank you so much for the favorites, hello to the new followers, and thank you to the continued support of the followers :) Get ready to see a more protective Byakuya... yum :)**

**Oh, another thing, I recommend a listen to "Comfortably numb" and "Hey you" by Pink Floyd, those were the songs I listened to while writing this chapter :)**

**xXx**

I was walking, looking up at the canopy of trees without really seeing their bare branches. The moment I had just shared with Byakuya had disorientated me; even breathing had become a challenge. I took deep breaths of the chilly air and tried to collect my thoughts into comprehensibly clusters.

_Damn, what the hell was going on with me? _

The feeling was recognizable, but I was more than reluctant to acknowledge it. The last time I had felt like this was… I shook away the thoughts of my ex. No, my situation with Byakuya was nothing like that.

The craving and desire I felt for Byakuya was too much like what I felt when _she_ was with me. I suppressed the thought and the sensation; I couldn't let myself be absorbed into such a… _thing_. Not again. _But what about that poem?_ I could not let myself think about the 'what ifs' that had arisen from that piece of senryuu.

_Especially not with a man, who is my psychiatrist! _The more I thought about it, the more absurd it became. Besides, there was no way a man like Byakuya would ever be into someone like me… _Someone like me_… I shook my head and walked into the main building. then to my room where Hitsugaya was staring silently at Ikkaku and Yumichika as they kissed deeply.

They had not noticed him, because of his silent nature. He just watched them and then turned to me. I was, unfortunately, a lot more noisy and they broke their kiss. They looked at Hitsugaya and me with embarrassment.

"There's nothing wrong with this" Ikkaku reminded me. I nodded; those words were now a chant every time I walked in on them acting out my deepest desires.

xXx

My appointment was in the office the next day because it had begun to snow. I stalked the hall towards Byakuya's office silently, before tapping his door. He grunted, and I stepped in. He was seated on the chaise longue, with a book in his hand. Upon closer inspection, I could see he was reading "Death and the Maiden" by Ariel Dorfman.

"Good afternoon, Renji" he said, closing the book slowly and moving over. He patted the space beside him and I took my seat, with a grunt.

"I think… I will do it" I said, rubbing my itchy eyes. I hadn't slept all of night. Not only because of the run in with Ikakku and Yumichika, that I was getting used to... The thought of following through with my therapy by retrieving my memories was... terrifying.

"I'm glad" he said, with a little nod.

"But what's gonna happen?" I asked, playing with my hands.

"It would mean you go under hypnosis, so we can access your subconscious. Upon doing so, you will remember everything, though it will take several sessions to fully delve into the problem, so don't expect everything to come out now" he said apprehensively.

"And after that?"

"You wake up, and we deal with the wounds" he said, looking sad. I looked at him a moment longer, and then with a sigh I said, "Ok, ok, let's do it"

_ I was walking down a corridor, being led by a woman with slight hands. I could not see her, but I could smell her cheap perfume and makeup. We finally arrived to a room. There were two children kneeling on the ground, huddled in cages, and two men in lab coats, with Tasers in their hands. One man was large, with straw hair and dirty brown eyes, while the other looked like an exact copy of the first, only thinner._

_I was pushed forward, but before I could protest, the Taser was dug deep into my stomach. I gasped and fell to the floor, pain flowing white hot through my body. I vomited and peed myself, barely able to keep my eyes open. The pain was too much. I was going to pass out._

_I was picked by one of the men, moments later, and pushed into one of the cages. The other children cowered in their own spaces, watching the men with fear and disgust. The men laughed harshly, and I whimpered, gathering my urine soaked legs towards my chest, drowning in the stench of my own excrement for what seemed like a lifetime. _

I heard the distant calling of Byakuya's voice. By the time I opened my eyes, I was on the floor, and there was the sound of sobbing. It took me a while to realize that is was coming from me. I cried even louder, and pinched myself. I sat up. I begged myself to stop crying, and pinched harder. As I began to fall back down, Byakuya was beside me, holding me tightly against his frame. He held me tight, for what seemed like forever.

My mind was going around in circles, and a pounding headache was blooming. I felt like vomiting, the pain felt so real, as though I was that tasered child all over again.

It took a while, but eventually my sobs quieted down, and my eyes stopped tearing. I was thirsty and tired, and I so desperately wanted to sleep. Byakuya sat beside me, holding my head to his chest. I lifted my head and pulled away from him. I didn't want his comfort, my chest felt tighten with hatred. He made me feel all this pain that I had forgotten.

"This is your fault" I muttered angrily, the rage raking my body with every breath.

"You won't reconcile until you feel this pain again and actually deal with it. Suppression does not work if you want to get out of here" he said calmly. I stared at him and realized he was right, but that did not subdue my rage. I felt broken, like that child in the cage.

I felt Byakuya's arms wrap around me again, but I moved away to the window. The sky was overcast, and snow was falling lazily to the ground. The trees were bare and covered slickly with ice. It was all very sad.

xXx

_Renji had finally fallen asleep on the chaise longue, after Byakuya had left to tell Kiyone that Renji would need "extra time". Her eyes had widened slightly, and her lips parted a fraction, but she nodded anyway._

_Byakuya stared at the teen for a moment and felt the deepest resolve to repair this boy, and protect him from any harm. Like he did with Grimmjow, he would eliminate any threat to Renji's healing. After the events that succeeded the hypnosis, Byakuya knew that it would take more work to deal with Renji's mental disorder. _

_Byakuya was aware however that they had never finished their session, _it was not over yet!

_ He took a seat at his desk and stared at Renji a moment longer. _

_His red hair was damp with sweat, and his face crusty with tears. His tattoos were dark against his pale skin, his red hair adding to the contrast. The pain that one human could take was so immense, Byakuya could feel Renji's pain. It made him sick. _

_Byakuya picked up his phone again, realizing the implications of Renji's taking of extra time that day. Extra time. Byakuya knew what would happen if Renji went back out into the open, he would be the biggest scandal since Ukitake's admittance to hospital. Byakuya needed to take Renji away from the asylum._

_"Yes, Dr. Kuchiki?" Hisagi answered._

_"I'm taking Renji off asylum grounds" he informed, with no room for protest or questions, his words were final._

_There was hesitation from Hisagi, but with a note of realization, he said, "Yeah, so what do you need?"_

_Byakuya sighed with relief, "I simply need a taxi for tomorrow morning, to the airport, the rest I can do. Thank you"_

_"Yes… Dr. Kuchiki?" Hisagi said, _

_"Yes?"_

_"You care about him, don't you?" _

_Byakuya looked at Renji, who was in a fetal position, and felt his pulse quicken. Hisagi took the silence as a response and said, "I understand. Just take care of him, yeah?"_

_"As you wish, goodnight Hisagi" and cut the phone. He took a moment and walked over to where Renji was sleeping. He was frowning deeply in his sleep. Byakuya fell to his knees beside him and shut his eyes._

_He took it upon himself to fix Renji no matter what. _I will make him the happiest man in this world, _Byakuya swore, walking towards the teen to lay his hand upon Renji's rising and falling chest. _I will protect you, I promise!

**xXx**

**And that brings us to the end of another chapter, let me know what you guys think :D Thank you for reading! **

_**By the way, I have to apologize, I don't realize how short the chapters are, please let me know if you'd like more things to happen in the chapters, or if this pace is good :) it would really help, thanks! **_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Hey everybody :) Yeah, weekly update! This might be the last one for a while since next weekened I start exams *murder me* but I'll try write a really good chapter to compensate. This one however... well just read for yourself. Let me know what you think! :D Thank you so much for all your reviews, favorites and follows, it means a lot to know people are reading my story! **

**so... here we go!**

**xXx**

My eyes felt hot and dry when I woke up. I was on my back, with the ceiling rising high above me. It felt like a distant dream, so surreal. Maybe I was having an out of body experience? But I knew all too well that I was in my body; my sad, abused, filthy body.

I heaved over the side of the couch, and coughed as nothing came out, only a few hoarse sounds. I looked up and saw Byakuya looking down at me. His face was still a mask of cool, but his eyes seemed disturbed. I grimaced at the thought of his disgust being me.

"I want… I need" I said began, standing, shaking as I stood. My head was spinning, and my eyes were blurry. I held unto the rise of the chaise longue and watched Byakuya's wary face. He was ready to support in case I fell. Why even bother?

After a while, once he was certain of my stability, he said, "I have planned for Rukia, you and I to leave the asylum for a bit. Hopefully, it will help you clear your mind a little" then reached for his phone. He spoke to who I assumed was Hisagi, while I looked out the window. It was still grey.

It took me a moment to fully comprehend what he had said. _Leaving the asylum?_ I looked over at him as he put the phone down and muttered, "Mayuri had better not start issues now"

He looked up at me and pursed his lips in thought, before he said, "Your bag is already in the car, you only need to wash up and we can leave" before standing up and approaching me.

I flinched away. It was involuntary, but I couldn't help it. I didn't want him to touch me.

He sighed deeply and walked to the door, waving me over, "You need to wash up"

I nodded and stalked to the bathroom down the hall.

xXx

It had been a rush to try getting me into the car without many of the patients noticing. It would have helped if those who were distant and consumed by their madness were those out for walks that morning. But no; luck was not on our side! As we walked out, it was Kenpachi standing on the porch in awe; a slight smile pulling at his thin lips. A small pink haired girl who was on his shoulders laughed and commented on my hair resembling a pineapple.

I cringed as I realized how much of a scandal this could be, but with a slight nudge from Byakuya, I ignored him and stepped into the tinted car. It started up and drove achingly slowly out the asylum complex and onto the the open road. The taxi driver was staring intently at the road, his elderly eyes narrowing at it. I sighed with irritation.

"So where are we going?" Rukia asked, staring out of the window of the car.

"To the airport, of course" Byakuya said gently to his sister, touching her head lightly. She looked confused as though this was a rare occurrence; it was obvious from how shocked she was that affection was scarce from her adoptive brother. I smiled a little.

"Where are we going with a plane?" she pushed, scrunching her eyes brows together so that they almost met in the middle.

"Okinawa Island" he said nonchalantly, squinting up at the sky.

"That's fancy" Rukia said, with confusion in her voice. Hesitantly she asked, "Where is the money from, Byakuya-sama?"

"You need not worry about that Rukia-Chan" he said. The pet name made Rukia and I exchange glances. He was so… out of character.

"Ok, Byakuya-sama" she said, turning to her window to watch little snowflakes soaring down.

xXx

The change in weather was dramatic. As soon as we got off the plane, we were hit with the warm winter air only characteristic of the Ryukyu Islands of Japan. I took a deep breath and just moved along as I was required to, as we picked out luggage, drove to the resort and checked into the room. I felt like a corpse, even when Rukia tried to be friendly and talk to me, I just thought she was animated and annoying.

We were each going to have our own rooms overlooking the ocean. I walked into my room and smelled the frangipani that was decorating almost every inch of it. Even the white pressed sheets had a flurry of pink frangipani. I took a sit on the soft bed and lied back, closing my eyes and sighing.

"Are you doing well?" Byakuya asked from the door. I sat up and nodded, rubbing my hands together.

"Well, dinner in five minutes" he said, leaving me.

I stood up and walked towards the large balcony, where only a shoji separated my side of the balcony from Byakuya's. I looked to the ocean and took a deep breath. The blue expanse stretched before me, glittering like a sequined cloth. It was so… beautiful. My spirit rose a little.

I changed into a black kimono that was light and airy. I walked to the restaurant with Rukia and Byakuya who were discussing matters of weather and plans for the next day. I pitied them, knowing that I was draining them of any happiness. They still tried however to involve me, though to little avail.

When we arrived, the waiter greeted us cheerily, lead to our seats, and we sat down. The ichijū-sansai was served immediately, and we began to eat.

"I wish to take you both to a sumo wrestling match tomorrow, after dinner. There is a ring not too far from here" Byakuya said, sipping his soup delicately and silently, "Rukia, I wish for you to dress in a traditional kimono. Renji, we can dress in suits. Giorgio Armani perhaps"

I stopped chewing for a second, shocked by the sudden revelation.

"Sounds good" Rukia said, just as perplexed as I was.

xXx

The sumo wrestlers showed each other their respect with a deep bow. I took a sip of my sake, before asking Byakuya, "Why did you bring us here?"

It was hot and stuffy, with men in business suits despite the heat, and women gliding gracefully in their kimonos. Smoke from cigars lingered in the air like ethereal spirits, swirling elegantly when people passed through it. There were loud and brash conversations, with men drinking sake to their hearts delights, while watching overweight men tackle each other to the ground. I was at ease.

"I want to show you something Renji," Byakuya said, setting down his sake.

"And what is that?"

"Look at the sumo wrestlers Renji, what do you see?"

I looked down at the ring, where the two men were to begin their match. They were large men; though they were both obese, one was far larger than the other.

"One is larger" I said lamely.

"Exactly. Can you guess who is more likely to win?" he asked, staring intently as the men circled one another.

"The larger man of course, he has the strength"

"That is where you are wrong. The smaller man will win"

"How?" I asked bewildered.

"Watch" was all he said.

I watched as the men charged at one another. There was a huffy struggle, the crowd cheering and aching with suspense as the men were equally matched. However, with one maneuver, it was the smaller man who took the larger man down. The crowd erupted in cheers, and Byakuya waited for the crowd to calm.

"You see Renji; the smaller man has the technique. It's not all about throwing ones strength around, but using certain techniques to put your strength in the more effective place. Sometimes our problems can towers over us and push us down like a larger sumo wrestler. But with the right technique, we will be the ones bringing our problems down. Of course, first we have to face... all of them" he finished whispering, which was inaudible over the cheers of the crowd.

I was watching him for several minutes after that, digesting what he has said, as Rukia excused herself and without Byakuya's noticing, followed a young, orange haired man that had been seated next to us, out of sight. She had winked at me before disappearing, I turned away and further lamented Byakuya's words.

"Renji, I hope you understand. Now, let us finish the match"

xXx

I changed out of my suit, which was damp with sweat. The sumo match was exhilarating, and I knew why it was so revered. We even gambled in secret with a group who were seated next to us, which included the orange haired young man whose name was Ichigo. Byakuya seemed to hold back a grin at the name, while I burst out laughing. Ichigo did not seem amused. However, the night ended with exchanged phone numbers and sake induced laughter.

I changed into some loose pants and T-shirt and crossed to Byakuya's room. He had asked me to come over after we got back. I knocked lightly on his door and he muttered something in response.

I opened the door, and stepped into a room identical to my own, with Byakuya standing at the balcony. He had already changed too, into a hippari.

"Please take a seat where you wish" he said, walking into the room and sitting on a cushion on the floor. There were papers strewn across a low table off to the side.

"Writing more haiku?" I asked, sitting on a small cushion on the floor. He picked up the pieces, gathering them neatly, before putting them away in a cupboard; an indignant look was strewn subtly across his face.

"It's an art" I said, looking at him. There was a pause, and as he opened his mouth to speak, I said quickly, "How were you able to get me out of the asylum?"

"I had to pull a few strings, saying that because you were doing so well, you could quite possibly leave. Your parents agreed of course, they want only the best for you"

"But I haven't been doing well" I said, feeling my chest get heavy.

"I am the only one who knows that" he said sadly. During hypnosis, I had described aloud the things I had seen. I was ashamed, though I didn't know why.

"Well, Mayuri couldn't care less so long as he gained something from it" with this he rolled his eyes, "The rest of my patients don't care, you see, they are all absorbed into their own madness, they don't notice the things around them. None of the patients do"

I grew angry, thinking of Hinamori and Kira, who were very aware, "I haven't heard you say something so ignorant before. They are aware; they register and understand things you know!"

He kept quiet, then said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you"

"You didn't offend me; just everyone like me. All us crazy people"

"You're not crazy Renji" he said, looking into my eyes. I felt my lips twitch with insults that I wished to hurl at Byakuya. My face was heating up...

"You know… out of all of them, I see the most hope in you"

This took me aback, and my mask of anger dissolved into a look of curiosity.

I turned back to him, "How can there be more hope in one than in others?" I asked.

"Because of how each patient reacts to their madness. Some seem content to be in the asylum, like Yumichika. Some have embraced their madness like Rangiku. Some just seem to be comfortable in their own bubble, like Hitsugaya. There is no point in forcing them to heal, because they simply do not want to leave. But you, Renji… you want to leave. I can see it in the way you carry yourself. You argue with me at any chance, you are willing to get help… you are willing to rebuild"

I was quiet for an age,"Would it be too soon to ask for another session?"

"What you described to me wasn't all" he said, not posing it as a question, but as though answering one of his own. I nodded anyways.

"Are you sure its not too soon?" he asked cautiously. I shook my head and squinted slightly at him, in determination, "No, its not too soon, the faster we are done with this, the faster I can get out of the asylum" however, part of me wasn't sure if that was the reason I was doing this anymore...

**xXx**

**In all honesty, this was a really hard chapter to write and organize, because this is not the original, this is the fourth and a halfth version, it may have been kinda sucky but please review, if any changes should be made... *sigh* Review please! :D **


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey everybody! Guess who's back? This week had probably been the worst week of my exam life, and I'm sick again because of the stress, but this isn't an agony aunt forum so on with the show! :) **

**Thank you for the reviews, please let me know what you think, because I always want to improve. Thank you for the new favorites and follows, welcome aboard! :D :)**

**Btw, Renji makes a very important statement and that is, "I registered but I couldn't understand" so he is seeing stuff happening, but he's a kid, so he doesn't understand what's happening. Warning this chapter is really graphic, so read with caution.**

**xXx**

_I was lying down on the bottom of the metal cage, with the smell of urine and vomit heavy in the air around me. It was dark, there was nothing but light from beneath the door illuminating the small room. Sobbing, I held my tiny frame and began to pray, something someone had taught me so long ago. I think it was my mum, before the disaster. The disaster. _

_Suddenly the door burst open, and I hissed at the sudden brightness. After rubbing my eyes, I stared at the men emptily as they pulled one of the children of the cages roughly. It was a girl. Her name I had forgotten, but I always remembered her matte brown hair and grass green eyes, wide with horror as the men pulled her small frame towards their large, grotesque bodies._

_"Hey little darling, aren't you as pretty as a button, uh? Hungry? Want something to eat?"_

_Almost stupidly she nodded, and was set down on the ground. I have the feeling that something bad was going to happen really soon. My skin tingled with disgust. I suddenly sat up and cried out, and the men turned to me. The closest one, came towards me with the taser in his hand, I backed away in the corner, but he was still able to keep the taser inches from me face. I held back sobs as he hissed, "If I hear another word from a piece of shit like you, I'm going to put this thing on max, and shock your ass til your innards cook up"_

_I remained silent, apart for a few sobs that escaped my gaping mouth. Though the man's back was to me, blocking the sight of the girl, I could tell that he was making her do something. He moaned with pleasure, and tossed his head back. Moans and slurping sounds filled the room. I was confused, I registered, but couldn't understand._

_The man let out one last moan, before shoving the girl away harshly. She was weeping and vomiting, the rancid smell filling the room. Her sickness earned her a slap, as the cursed for being so weak. I wanted to reach out and help her, but there was no hope._

_They removed her stained dress. Beneath she was bare and scarred, but multiple open wounds decorating her grey skin. I will never forget the harsh red cuts against her ghostly, ghastly grey skin. I closed my eyes, as one of the men began to open his belt. She began to scream, but they took no notice of her wailing, and they huddled around her. _

_I tried to block out the sound, of screaming and groaning. It was like nothing I've heard before. The sound of someone being ripped apart. I cried louder, knowing that I would go unnoticed. I opened my eyes to find the boy in the cage next to my own staring into the emptiness comfortably and smiling slightly. I tried to follow his eyes, but all I saw were the men. Turning away quickly, I turned to face the wall and cried until well after the men had returned the girl and left._

_The girl was replaced with another girl, with white hair and blue eyes. She was beautiful, or at least, she would have been if she was not so broken looking. The men walked into the room and called out her name, I didn't hear them again because of the buzzing in my ears. Why were they ringing so much? I assumed it was a side effect of the taser, which I believe I had been receiving in high doses. _

_Suddenly I heard the girl cry out, I turned to face her and she called to me, but I could do nothing. My chest tightened, my hands clenched, I shook my cage with renewed vigor. _

_"Let her go!" I screamed, but before I could gather enough breath to scream again, my hands were smacked harshly with a stick. I let go of the bar and cried out as I stared down at swelling fingers. The pain was unbearable, I couldn't breathe but soon the shock of the pain was taken over by what they did to the girl next. _

_I watched in horror. I shook my head as I saw them break a bottle, "STOP IT!" I cried out, and they stopped turning to me._

_"Little fire head over here, would rather it be him" the larger man said. The thinner man approached my cage and tore it open, grabbing my small ankles harshly and pulling me out. I tried to kick at him, but he only held on tighter, and I screamed as he held my hands. Throwing me harshly next to the girl, I looked at her blue empty eyes, as she too began to smile and seemed to leave the room. _

_"Come on, open wide little boy" the thinner man said, reaching for his belt buckle. Suddenly the door opened and walked in the nurse who had brought me in to begin with. I watched her as with bored eyes instructed the men, "Let him go, there's a family who wants to see him"_

xXx

I opened my eyes slowly, and felt tears roll down my face slowly. My heart was pounding away in my chest like a tribal beat. My body was aching from how stiff I had been under the hypnosis. _Damn_, I sighed as I looked around the room. Byakuya sat, conflicted as to whether he should approach or not.

I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes. As I rubbed them I heard a sob escape my lips, and then another, and suddenly I was crying. I stood up and ran over to the door that separated the room from the balcony. Tearing it open, I took the few steps that separated me from the railing. I approached it cautiously, and put my hot hands on the strong wood. The ground was just a few meters away, looking up at me. Begging me, giving me the solution to my problems.

I put my weight on the wood, and suddenly felt myself being pulled back. Soon, I was on the floor with Byakuya looming over me. I felt my breath hitch and my thoughts become erratic as I remembered everything.

I began to sob again at the memories. I couldn't believe I was that child in the cage, staring out at the abuse of other children, their pain had become my reality, watching it for such a long time. I couldn't fathom it, it was beyond me, how could it possibly be true. But it was, I had felt it, I had described it to Byakuya. He looked just as disgusted as I did, though not surprised. Heck, he probably saw this shit all the time.

"Don't stop me!" I shouted harshly, trying to stand up. He wrestled me down and put some of his weight on me just so I couldn't move, but not enough to hurt me, "I know the solution to my problems. You want me to be free? Well, what's freedom but death" I laughed ruefully.

He leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Getting rid of yourself is not going solve anything. You need to accept what happened and move on"

"I can't," I said, pushing him away as I sat up and lunged for the railing once more, but he pulled my back in, and I was flat on the ground again. Struggling for a moment, I looked away from him, unwilling to let his gaze hypnotize me into submission. Suddenly, I turned to look at him and all my resolve dissipated. I went limp and felt him let me go.

"It hurts too much" I whimpered, holding my head which was aching. He brushed a lock of damp hair out of my face and whispered, "It does hurt, and it probably always will, but it can't hold you back. It won't hold you back. You will come out of this better, no matter what"

The steely determination in his eyes made my quiet down my sobs. The moon hung low in the horizon like a spectator to my downfall. So distant, she probably knew all our secrets, but we could never know hers. The waves crashed along the shore, and the air was heavy with the scent salt, seaweed and sweet frangipani. It was these details that I decided to focus on.

"I need to heal" I said softly, cradling my head, and turning to Byakuya. He looked at me intently, his grey eyes a reflection of the moon, and even in the dim light, they seemed to glow.

"We will work together to help you" he said, reaching for my hand. I stared at his hand for a moment, contemplating whether or not I should take hold. The last time he had tried to touch me after a hypnotherapy session, I ended up pushing him away. But perhaps pushing him away was not the solution to my problems. Slowly, I reached my hand out to meet his, the sensation of his skin so strange.

My body still felt the hands of those men, but even in my lucid state, I could tell that Byakuya's hands were different. They were soft and warm, slim fingers intertwined with my own rough calloused ones. Our joined hands hung in the air for a moment, and we both watched them curiously. I looked from our hands to Byakuya who was staring intently at me.

"I don't know how we'll get through this" I said, my voice breaking slightly.

"That's not something you have to worry about" he said gently. I pulled my hand away and sat up. The air was becoming much too stuffy for me, now that he had spoken those words.

"Don't give me that, I can't take you caring for me like this. I'm disgusting" I whispered, trying to stand up, but I felt him pull me back to the ground, albeit more gently. He grabbed my shoulders and turned me to face him,

"I will care for you, no matter what you say"

"Because its your job? Why are you doing all this?" I asked, prodding, looking for something. What did I want from this man? There was something I wanted to hear from him, and he wasn't saying it, and that was a problem for me. Perhaps it was because of my vulnerable state that I was being so ridiculous, but I looked at him pleadingly anyways.

"I don't care about the money, I already told you, I want to help you get out" he said.

"Once I leave I wont see you again" I said absentmindedly. We were quiet for a moment, my because I was suddenly embarrassed, him because he was contemplative.

"Yes, you're right" he said, his voice almost painful. He looked back down to me and gave a small smile, "Hmph, I guess there's a price for everything, uh, Renji?"

I held my breath at the sound of him saying my name. Despite everything that had happened, my brain was focused on him. Why? He had captivated me.

He stood up and pulled me with him. He held my forearm gently and looked me in the eye, "Do you need me tonight, or will you be ok?"

I nodded and sighed, "Yeah, I'll be ok, but uh... Byakuya?" I called, as he let go of my arm. He looked at me and batted his eyes a few time. I realized how pleading my voice must have sounded, so laden with desire for something.

"Uh... thank you" was what I said, but it was not what I had meant to say. Suddenly, my words had caught up with me and disappeared.

In my eyes he seemed deflated, but perhaps it was my messed up mind. He smiled a little, and said, "You are most welcome. Let me know if you need anything, and please, Renji-kun. Don't do anything stupid" he said, pulling the shoji between our rooms, so I could pass through.

"I'll leave it parted for you, so you can have easy access"

And with that suggestive comment, he walked away, leaving me alone with the ocean and the moon. How I wished I could reach the moon.

xXx

**Oh wow, its done! Amazing, it took me all morning with writers block and all. This week has been hell, but I'm glad I got to put something up. Please review, let me know what you think and hint: the parted shoji is very important! :D :) The last line is in reference to Renji-Bya-Lover's story, go check it out, she's been a really big help! Time to go watch One Piece and read Dracula! **

**Thank you so much to you all for reading! favorite, follow, review, love you!**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello! Sorry for the late update, in all honesty, I have postponed this because I've just been having a really crappy time in RL, and I was worried that it would reflect on my story... I will go back to regular posting, promise! Thank you so much for the favorites, follows and reviews, they keep me going honestly!**

**This is a chapter I am so excited for, because things finally get a little steamy! I loved writing this chappy! :) **

**xXx**

_Byakuya was sitting at his desk, absorbed in his Dorfman play. I approached him and shouted his name, but he took no notice of me. He simply continued to read his book with gusto, his eyes running across the pages swiftly. Eventually I gave up trying to get his attention, when suddenly a tall, ebony haired female walked in. It was _her._ My ex-girlfriend._

_She was holding something; it took me a while to fully comprehend what it was. It was my body._

_Blood was flowing profusely from an open wound in my chest, where Zabimaru was sticking out, as though Excalibur in the boulder. Byakuya finally looked up and approached my corpse, before reaching out and pulling Zabimaru out of my body in one swift motion. _

_Suddenly, my dead body began to float, towards the sky, out of her arms. I began to transform, into a being I could not describe. My face was a white mask, with beads of black for eyes. My skin grew black as though my tattoos were spreading, my fingers became talons, and a hole formed from Zabimaru's stab. The last thing was the echo of a mournful howl from the creature I had become..._

xXx

My eyes flew open and I gasped for air. I blinked severally and looked around the room. Sunlight was streaming in softly from the open balcony door. My breathing was still erratic and my heart was pounding away in my chest. Suddenly the room grew too stuffy, I needed to get out.

I stalked to the balcony door and took a deep breath, closing my eyes and rubbing them harshly. The memory of the nightmare had flittered away, and I had no memory of it now. So, why did I feel so scared? Why feel so empty? My heart was thumping in my chest so hard I was sure I had just completed a triathlon.

I walked out onto the balcony and towards the terrace. Looking down at the ground, I gripped the railing and with all the might I could muster, I raised my eyes to the sea that stretched before me. _Yes, it starts with looking up, always look up_, I thought.

The sea was calm and at low tide, with a few fisher men heading towards the small puddles that fish probably got trapped in once the sea retreated. Heaps of sand could be seen, between few glittering puddles of water. The sun rose and set a warm glow across the sky. I closed my eyes and took a breath, before my meditation was cut short by the sound of movement across the shoji door.

I turned my attention to the slightly parted shoji. I recalled Byakuya stating that if I needed him, I could go over. I did have a nightmare, but was that excuse enough? I shook my head and turned back to the sea.

I heard grunts and the shuffling of feet from across the sliding door, and suddenly my curiosity was aroused. Besides, it was not like standing there was going to help me remember my nightmare. I shivered at the thought anyway, but all thoughts were dispelled when I peeked over shoji, where I was met with a surprise.

In a concentrative stance was Byakuya, with a jō at arm's length from his body (1)

His face dripping with sweat, his chest heaving heavily as he gathered his breath. With one swift motion, he swung the wooden stick, and gracefully did a turn, returning to his previous stance, just in the other direction.

I smiled at him as a wave of nostalgia came over me, recalling my days at the dojo. My heart seemed to constrict as I watched Byakuya, moving with ease and fluidity that I knew I could copy, and probably do better. Not to say that Byakuya wasn't brilliant, but I knew my strong young body could do so much better; I laughed internally.

Byakuya mustn't have noticed me, because he continued his routine for several minutes before stopping with his back to me. He began to reach for the hem of his shirt and decided then to remove his shirt, which was drenched with sweat. I averted my eyes and swallowed hard. He didn't know I was there, but me standing there like a voyeur wouldn't bode well if he turned around to find my gawking at him. But why did I so badly want to look? I sighed and knew that I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. But what was supposed to have been a peak, turned into a full blown stare.

His broad muscular shoulders reminded me of river valleys, with sweat winding its course through strong muscular partings. They tensed and relaxed as he folded his shirt meticulously and then without warning he turned to me. I held my breath. I bit my lip. I expected a shout from him to telling me I was a creep. But no, he did not see me; his hair was a veil in front of his face, falling over his shoulders. I followed his hair like a trail to the rest of his torso. It was perfectly sculpted.

He was lean, with eight perfect squares of pure muscles adorning his stomach, ending at the bottom in a V-shape, leading to unknown wonders. I felt my face heat up at the thought, and goose bumps form on my skin. Why was I thinking about that? I decided that it was time I left, before my mind got ahead of itself. I tried to leave discreetly, but to my horror bumped into the shoji, thus betraying my presence.

"Renji" he said my name huskily, looking up at me. He pushed his raven hair aside and continued, "You know, you shouldn't be watching me like that"

My heart stopped beating for a moment, and sweat began to form at my brow. I blushed and said, "Sorry, Byakuya-san, I was just…"

"Yes, I know what you were doing. You shouldn't be watching me"

"I can explain" I began, feeling my palms moisten and my throat catch. He smoothly raised his hand to silence me and said, "No need to, I understand"

"You do?" I asked, gaping at him like a fish. He smiled slightly, and said, "But of course. You probably miss practicing like this. You should join me"

I stood in awe, and he raised an eyebrow. Shaking myself inwardly, I watched as he walked into his room and came back out with a second jō. He came towards me, and I could smell his sweet musky scent and feel the heat of exertion radiate from his perfectly built form, I held my breath. He pushed the jō into my hand and stepped away. I weighed it in my hands, savoring its ideal weight and length.

"I couldn't bring Senbonzakura, so I settled for some local jō. They are just as easy to practice with, just use different techniques though, but they help me stay in shape" he said, feeling very talkative, which he often seemed about weaponry.

I continued to admire the weapon, as he took hold of his own and said,

"Shall we begin?"

I nodded.

"I'm sure you had some training with Zabimaru, so you know most basic forms?" he didn't let me respond, "So the starting stance is always the same, so let's start there and then follow my lead"

I got into the stance, my legs separated; my knees bent, back straight, elbows shoulder high. And then he swung, as did I, he took a step forward and kicked, I did too. Swung again, I imitated, jab, and I copied. He grunted then and pursed his lips.

"Let's do something harder then"

After twenty minutes, his exercise was proving strenuous and difficult. Then came a time that he performed one move and I tried to imitate. I failed miserably. I tried it again. He stood back and watched as I struggled. He sighed with impatience. I removed my shirt which was completely soaked in my sweat. This was getting on my nerves, and I could feel my own irritation boiling to the top.

"No, no you're not holding yourself right, that's why you can't get it. Don't use the jō like it is some foreign object. It is just like a katana, an extension of you. Here, let me show you"

He came behind me and grabbed the jō, placing his hands over my own, so we were holding it together.

"Now, move like this. Don't be so tense. Squat lower, you will be stronger that way"

I moved lower, straightened my back more. I could feel his body pressed against my own. I took a deep breath, as he helped me swing the jō, his muscles curling around my own. This proximity made my body heat up even further, I was sure I was running a fever at that point. My mind went racing, and my body began to betray me. To distract myself from the sudden hardness, I focused more on the action of jō.

"That's it. You are strong Renji" he said taking away his arms, "You just need to fix your posture a little more" he said, adjusting my shoulders, "Relax" he whispered in my ear. I closed my eyes as his hot breath was on my wet skin.

I turned my head slightly to look at him, and hadn't realized how close he was. His nose was just inches from my skin, and he looked at me, thinking.

"You let me touch you"

My eyes widened with realization, "So I did"

"You know I would never hurt you?" he said, his voice guarded. I nodded and set the jō aside.

"I know that… now" I said turning to him fully. His black hair was damp and clinging to his body, hanging around his long eye lashes that acted as canopies for his beautiful silver eyes, which seemed blue in the warm weather.

I stared into his eyes, and took a deep breath it. His lips were soft and pink; suddenly his wet pink tongue peaked out and ran over his lips. He licked them slowly and took a deep breath in. I felt myself harden once more and bit my lip. I contemplated and then drew back. I couldn't handle it.

He turned away and said, "We're done for today, we must hurry to breakfast now, let me get Rukia. See you soon, Renji"

"Thank you, Byakuya-sama" I said, bowing my head slightly and walking past him to my balcony and into my room.

xXx

We went out for dinner again, this time ending the meal with wagashi (2). I licked my fingers greedily and laughed at Rukia's jokes, all the while watching Byakuya sip his tea slowly. He made deliberate movements, each one calculated. He picked a tsubaki mochi (3) and ate it delicately, closing his eyes to savor the flavor.

This man had become an object of my fascination, and despite the events that had occurred over the past few days, he had maintained my sanity, without him even knowing it. I wondered if he knew that it was because of his subtle ways that I was sitting there with him, far from any thoughts of abuse or suicide. I felt my insides tingle as he wiped his mouth and I picked up another dessert.

He opened his eyes to catch me staring. In a moment of sheer panic, I stuffed the wagashi in my mouth and swallowed without a second thought. I choked and heaved as Rukia handed me a cup of tea. I downed it and coughed. Rukia burst into peals of laughter and I joined her. Then suddenly another sound joined ours. We turned to find Byakuya giggling softly with us.

"Renji-san, last I checked your esophagus is only half the size of that mochi" Byakuya sighed, shaking his head. He looked at me and the smile disappeared, but the light never left his grey eyes. I took deep breath as I picked up a mochi and ate it slowly this time, savoring the subtle sweet flavors and contemplating my relationship with Byakuya.

"Renji-san?" Byakuya said, sipping his tea.

"Hmmmmm?" I said with a stuffed mouth.

"Please join me in my room after dinner" he said. I looked back at him and nodded, suddenly feeling apprehensive, _another night with the noble…_

xXx

**So what do you think? let me know! **

**1; a stick used in combat, shorter than a bo (the stick Donatello of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles uses)**

**2; a Japanese display of confectionary treat, served at a tea ceremony.**

**4: It is a type of wagashi eaten in winter, made of gelatinous rice with sugar; it's like a little rice cake. **

**If the above info is wrong, let me know! I get my stuff twisted all the time! **


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